Where are you?
In a non slutty way
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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