where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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