Moan for me like Helen Keller
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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