this beer tastes like vomit already
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
