I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
