Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
