I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
