Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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