I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
