Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
