I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sorry about my life...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
