i don't like sucking hair
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
