sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
