I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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