Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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