Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
