Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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