I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
