My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
