I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
