I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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