Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
