I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
