My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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