actually, I'm a sock model
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
