and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
