I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
