I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
