420 ftw
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
