I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
