She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
