Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
