Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
