My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
