do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
