I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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