why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
