I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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