Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
