Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I smell like Dick and happiness
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