party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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