He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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