My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
