I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
