"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
