I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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