SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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