The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
