I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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