I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
