I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
