Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
