i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
