I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
