I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
